Perfectly Flawed ~ MindChatter
OUR Minds
"PERFECTLY FLAWED"
& Chaotic Chatter
OUR Minds
"PERFECTLY FLAWED"
& Chaotic Chatter
Ya'll have heard the famous Southern phrase "Hold my beer & watch this", right? Well that is how I feel life has been trying me for the past several years now. And no I am not referring to just the infamous 2020. But to answer your question, why yes 2020 handed me my ass on a silver platter while holding his own beer!! 2021 has not been so kind either. But, before the pandemic life has tested me and tried me from every possible angle. I have been on a continuous cycle of the same thought for over a decade now! A whole decade, Ya'll. As a female who has raised 3 kids alone, went through an abusive marriage of over 15 years, stay at home mom for the majority of those years, juggled it all, from kids and being a wife, a mom, a chef, a taxi service, repair man, garbage man and even a nurse. I was LITERALLY EVERYTHING to my husband, kids, mother in law and my own mother from the age of 16 to almost 41 years old. That is nearly 25 years of my precious life, living for everyone else! Getting lost in their needs that I did not even realize that I had needs, as well. Which now that all my kids are grown and have moved out to begin their lives - I am beside myself. The only thing I am good at is being a mom. I am so lost. 2020 swallowed up everything I stood for. It took my job, my relationship, my home, my pride, my freedom, my personal belongings, my kids, my sense of self and my joy. I am spiraling out of control ~ QUICKLY!. I left home at the age of15 and have never looked back, until now. My mothers health is not the best and now I am her full-time care-giver and she still wants to treat me as if I am a child. Which I am not. Never speaking up for myself, defending myself or enforcing my own boundaries. Hell I did not even know what boundaries was. When anyone who truly knows me, knows that I am a genuine and caring person with a huge heart. Majority of the time, being taken advantage of and pushed to the edge. How does one go about life, 4 different relationships (including my marriage), on the receiving end of a shit sandwich, consistently for 25 years? Why do we allow such negative, viral and disrespectful words and actions bind us to a bond of lies? I love beyond words, I forgive when I shouldn’t and make excuses for inexcusable things. When will I have had enough? I have been stabbed in the back by everyone who I have ever known. What the fuck is really going on? Is it me? Because I am so angry and pissed off that revenge has crossed my mind. **No I am not actually plotting on anyone** Growing up, in our most vulnerable state, we are programmed to allow such things to become NORMAL. We go through life numb and susceptible to the raw negative attention of false hope and frankly, LOVE. Men and woman alike, have been abused in unthinkable ways. We have allowed ourselves to accept that pain is love. To some extent I believe is true. Narcissist are very much alive and camouflaged among the most fragile, yet powerful spirits or energies. I am no longer shocked by the lies and deceit people hide beneath their fake mask. Evil is EVERYWHERE and will suck you dry! I have been called many things, lied to, beaten down, left alone, homeless, scared, curled up in a fetal position, to many damn’ times to count, cheated on, stolen from, ripped of my own dignity and pride (I could go on and on)! My POINT is even after all the fuckery and the countless shit sandwiches - I still care about people, give to the ones who need it most, have an open door policy. I still am very much a human. I have not allowed the 25 years of evil to harden my authenticity! I hide it a lot, I let my own family and their opinions affect me, I cry behind closed doors, I scream, I have even wished for death. No longer will I allow any other person, including family, to knock me down anymore!! I refuse to settle for anything less than what I need and want. NO MORE SHIT SANDWICHES!!
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Pssstt...I just want to personally thank you for finding me and my insanity! This is where I feel at home - the sounding board of my thoughts echoes. When the body is tired & the mind won't SHUT THE FUCK UP! Archives
September 2021
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