Perfectly Flawed ~ MindChatter
OUR Minds
"PERFECTLY FLAWED"
& Chaotic Chatter
OUR Minds
"PERFECTLY FLAWED"
& Chaotic Chatter
Ya'll have heard the famous Southern phrase "Hold my beer & watch this", right? Well that is how I feel life has been trying me for the past several years now. And no I am not referring to just the infamous 2020. But to answer your question, why yes 2020 handed me my ass on a silver platter while holding his own beer!! 2021 has not been so kind either. But, before the pandemic life has tested me and tried me from every possible angle. I have been on a continuous cycle of the same thought for over a decade now! A whole decade, Ya'll. As a female who has raised 3 kids alone, went through an abusive marriage of over 15 years, stay at home mom for the majority of those years, juggled it all, from kids and being a wife, a mom, a chef, a taxi service, repair man, garbage man and even a nurse. I was LITERALLY EVERYTHING to my husband, kids, mother in law and my own mother from the age of 16 to almost 41 years old. That is nearly 25 years of my precious life, living for everyone else! Getting lost in their needs that I did not even realize that I had needs, as well. Which now that all my kids are grown and have moved out to begin their lives - I am beside myself. The only thing I am good at is being a mom. I am so lost. 2020 swallowed up everything I stood for. It took my job, my relationship, my home, my pride, my freedom, my personal belongings, my kids, my sense of self and my joy. I am spiraling out of control ~ QUICKLY!. I left home at the age of15 and have never looked back, until now. My mothers health is not the best and now I am her full-time care-giver and she still wants to treat me as if I am a child. Which I am not. Never speaking up for myself, defending myself or enforcing my own boundaries. Hell I did not even know what boundaries was. When anyone who truly knows me, knows that I am a genuine and caring person with a huge heart. Majority of the time, being taken advantage of and pushed to the edge. How does one go about life, 4 different relationships (including my marriage), on the receiving end of a shit sandwich, consistently for 25 years? Why do we allow such negative, viral and disrespectful words and actions bind us to a bond of lies? I love beyond words, I forgive when I shouldn’t and make excuses for inexcusable things. When will I have had enough? I have been stabbed in the back by everyone who I have ever known. What the fuck is really going on? Is it me? Because I am so angry and pissed off that revenge has crossed my mind. **No I am not actually plotting on anyone** Growing up, in our most vulnerable state, we are programmed to allow such things to become NORMAL. We go through life numb and susceptible to the raw negative attention of false hope and frankly, LOVE. Men and woman alike, have been abused in unthinkable ways. We have allowed ourselves to accept that pain is love. To some extent I believe is true. Narcissist are very much alive and camouflaged among the most fragile, yet powerful spirits or energies. I am no longer shocked by the lies and deceit people hide beneath their fake mask. Evil is EVERYWHERE and will suck you dry! I have been called many things, lied to, beaten down, left alone, homeless, scared, curled up in a fetal position, to many damn’ times to count, cheated on, stolen from, ripped of my own dignity and pride (I could go on and on)! My POINT is even after all the fuckery and the countless shit sandwiches - I still care about people, give to the ones who need it most, have an open door policy. I still am very much a human. I have not allowed the 25 years of evil to harden my authenticity! I hide it a lot, I let my own family and their opinions affect me, I cry behind closed doors, I scream, I have even wished for death. No longer will I allow any other person, including family, to knock me down anymore!! I refuse to settle for anything less than what I need and want. NO MORE SHIT SANDWICHES!!
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What a disaster I have been experiencing, over the past few months. You know why? Because I have stopped listening to my self, my intuition, my GUT. My guides have gone silent and my download of new programming has been aborted. Without even knowing I was the one manifesting these outcomes. Now what do I mean exactly? I have been so distracted with people pleasing EVERYONE! I have continued to allow this 3d reality to consume my energy! My time. My true essence and calling has been altered and I got side tracked. What we think, becomes a seed being planted within the universe. As we continue to speak it, it continues to take root. The more energy we supply, the faster it becomes the reality! As we allow the universe to continue to nurture our thoughts (good or bad) she has no other option, but to provide. You have taken on the responsibility of your destiny! Not your purpose or higher calling. We speak all this fluff and shit spews from our mouths like a possessed demon. Negativity is not the alternative to where we are going. It is not even an option for moving forward!! When we allow ourselves to be consumed by everything else, that we are SO tired and drained to even want to tend to ourselves, we have stunted our own growth. I have had multiple thoughts that just became reality, that were of goodness, where my authentic self was connected! However, again when we allow someone like a narcissist or an energy vampire to entertain us, we stop the ascension process! Fuck that! Fuck them! It’s my life, my future and my choice! Once you realize that you cannot take those people, with you, to the next level and that you will never make them content, YOU WILL BE A LOT BETTER! I have entertained the bullshit for almost 42 years. I am not doing it anymore. My age and my growth has become increasingly more important than the low frequency vibrations of a parasite. My reality is of a sort of HELL ON EARTH. No one is checking on me, helping me, paying my bills or even letting me be vulnerable or happy for my personal and spiritual growth, and that is perfectly fine. Those people have a different calling and purpose. This chick has given way to much to this reality, of people pleasing! My give a dam’n has busted!!! This girl needs to take a hiatus from dating, caring for everyone, losing myself in everyone that I hold dearest to my heart. Is it going to be easy??!! HELL NO! It’s new and foreign to me. I need the guidance of the collective. I mainly want to heal my inner child, I want peace, love for myself and learn how to set boundaries NO ONE can cross! I am so sick of everyone's fluff. Where has the common decency and respect for ones life gone? When did the norm become bitching all the time? Not being happy with or grateful for what you have? When did it become politically correct to be so disrespectful and down right selfish to those closest to you? I am a good hearted person and I have done my time! I am no longer going to change my life, schedule, goals, dreams or inner peace for anyone who REFUSES to respect that! I refuse to waste anymore energy on anyone or anything that does not share my vision. If it offends you then find a swamp and test an alligators boundaries. K? I need peace in my life! I need to be able to confidently be able to do or go wherever the hell I want to and when I want to, without feeling guilty all the fucking time. I deserve ME. I deserve to be happy and enjoy what’s left of my life. You may be in my boat, but you are not helping me row. You are literally dead weight and this boat is sinking. Get the fuck out and learn to swim! My point is, do not feed into the petty negative complaining from a co worker, a spouse, a friend, a child, a boss, anyone who makes your energy deplete. Listen to your body, you will notice that their energy will sometimes exchange, unknowingly if you don’t protect yours, you will be left feeling empty and drained. They are feeding off of you. When you engage with someone, there should be an equal, if not more, exchange of energy. That is who you need and surrounding you. The shifting, programming, triggers, not to mention the physical pain is NOT worth a second more of your time. Let’s, as our own collective, starve the narcissists and vampires! Together we CAN change the frequency of those meant to reach their purpose. Together we can reach our higher self and reach our purpose!! Stop people pleasing immediately! Stop allowing people to disrespect your boundaries or lack there of! Step outside of the comfort zone (you created) to finally be true to yourself. You deserve to be genuinely happy inside and out!! |
Pssstt...I just want to personally thank you for finding me and my insanity! This is where I feel at home - the sounding board of my thoughts echoes. When the body is tired & the mind won't SHUT THE FUCK UP! Archives
September 2021
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