Perfectly Flawed ~ MindChatter
OUR Minds
"PERFECTLY FLAWED"
& Chaotic Chatter
OUR Minds
"PERFECTLY FLAWED"
& Chaotic Chatter
Good Morning! As I sit here in my bed wondering what the fuck is really going on in 2020 -I hear nothing but silence. As my house is now empty. All of my kids have moved out. My ex and I broke up 2 weeks ago, 2 days before my birthday. I lost my job the beginning of July and I have no vehicle at this point. I realize that this is some FUCK SHIT, for real. When did it get so bad that everything I loved and gave me the want to get up and do better - is over. It is all gone. I have been in a dark place before - but this time.....THIS TIME it hurts like hell. I have never felt so alone in my entire life. I have never felt so isolated and knocked down like this before. Where does one even start to begin to put the pieces back together? I am literally dying on the inside. I comb through my mind, my memories, my thoughts and our pictures looking for the WHY. I want to text my ex and talk to my ex. They are so angry and mean right now. I do not get it or understand this level of meanness. The misunderstanding - the constant arguing regarding the meaning behind my own fucking words. Perception is everything and the perception or lack there of for my ex is almost delusional. I have never had to argue what I meant by what I said to someone before in my life. If I say something and you assume it means 1 thing and I say "No, that's not what I meant by that" and try to explain in depth the actual meaning to you - then shut the fuck up. You were wrong and I am right. THEY ARE MY WORDS. How you going to get mad at me because you misunderstood and I genuinely do not want you to believe your definition. Maybe because they need a valid excuse to talk shit about me or hate me? Why are break ups so damn; hard? I have missed out on a hell of a lot of experiences by staying in relationships for to long. This one was no different. 5 years of memories. 5 years of vacations, laughs, holidays and memories. I cannot fathom the idea of never hearing, touching, feeling or sharing with anyone else. Yet, every time I reach out - I get cussed out, told they are not responsible for me. They literally think that they were the one carrying the full load of the relationship. I am by no means perfect - but when things are seemingly OK and then 4 days later (upon returning from a trip) to pack up all of their belongings and move out. It was less than an hour and my whole world had become nothing but a shell. My youngest son (he just turned 18) said he was tired of the arguing. I had become so depressed and consumed with fixing my relationship, that I failed him as a parent. He called his father (who lives in Atlanta) to come get him and was packed and gone an hour after my ex. Talk about crushing pain that no amount of screaming or crying numbs....2 weeks has gone by and I am not as lonely as I was - but I am still very raw. I sleep my days away and stay up at nights. I cannot really eat and I have no desire to get up and be motivated.What is the point? I am scared of myself. I am getting on my own damn; nerves and when a friend does come over all I do is talk about my ex and shift in to victim mentality.
2 Comments
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Pssstt...I just want to personally thank you for finding me and my insanity! This is where I feel at home - the sounding board of my thoughts echoes. When the body is tired & the mind won't SHUT THE FUCK UP! Archives
September 2021
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