Perfectly Flawed ~ MindChatter
OUR Minds
"PERFECTLY FLAWED"
& Chaotic Chatter
OUR Minds
"PERFECTLY FLAWED"
& Chaotic Chatter
I have been on a continuous cycle of the same thought for over a decade now! As a female who has raised 3 kids alone, went through an abusive marriage of over 15 years, stay at home mom for the majority of those years, juggled it all from kids to being a wife, a mom, a chef, I was LITERALLY EVERYTHING to my husband, kids, mother in law and my own mother from the age of 16 to almost 41 years old. That is nearly 25 years of my precious life, living for everyone else? Why? Y'all, I sit here in a relationship, of almost 4 years, with almost identical trends and habits surrounding me. 2 of my children, 23 and 17, still living at home. I listen to my partner complain about the same shit everyday, yet never does anything to change the fact. I listen to conversations my partner has with their own family members, promises and plans, using my own words as their own. I have read numerous conversations, me being the subject of discussion, of how awful I am. That I do NOT pay bills, blow my money and trash talk me! ! ! Being labeled abusive and a narcissist! Yet, here I am, sitting alone on my porch writing this. Never speaking up for myself, defending myself or enforcing my own boundaries. When anyone who truly knows me, knows that I am a genuine and caring person with a huge heart. Majority of the time, being taken advantage of and pushed to the edge. How does one go about life, 4 different relationships (including my marriage), on the receiving end of a shit sandwich, consistently for 25 years? Why do I allow such negative, viral and disrespectful words and actions bind me to a bond of lies? I love beyond words, I forgive when I shouldn't and make excuses for inexcusable things. When will I have had enough? As a collective, relationships are fucking hard. Growing up, in our most vulnerable state, we are programmed to allow such things to become NORMAL. We go through life numb and susceptible to the raw negative attention of false hope and frankly, LOVE. Men and woman alike, have been abused in unthinkable ways. We have allowed ourselves to accept that pain is love. To some extent I believe is true. When you spend over 25% of life being inauthentic, miserable, bending over backwards for people who will leave you empty, picking up the slack, making excuses, crying when no one is around, faking it till you make it BULLSHIT ~ That is when you, I, have to stop the vicious cycle, IMMEDIATELY! Y'all, energy Vampires are real. Narcissist are very much alive and camouflaged among the most fragile yet powerful spirits alive. I am no longer shocked by the lies and deceit people hide beneath their fake mask. Evil is everywhere and will suck you dry! I have been called many things, lied to, beaten down, left alone, homeless, scared, curled up in a fetal position to many damn' times to count, cheated on, stolen from, ripped of my own dignity and pride (I could go on and on), Yet, I still care about people, give to the ones who need it most, have an open door policy, I still am very much human. I have not allowed the 25 years of evil to harden my authenticity! I hide a lot, I let my own family and their opinions affect me, I cry behind closed doors, I scream, I have even wished for death, No longer will I allow any other person, including family, to knock me down anymore!! I am worthy of happiness and real love. Unconditional LOVE! An understanding, a desire to allow me to grow and not break me because of jealousy or rage. I am a survivor and a damn badass Survivor !!!
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For those of you that follow my blog and regularly, I apologize for the small hiatus in my posts. That is part of the reasoning in this current post. Buckle up and keep all extremities inside of this roller coaster we are fixing to go on! **Disclaimer: I am not responsible for any change of thoughts, perceptions or emotional state while the reader is reading this blog. Now, grab a glass of wine and sit back! So it begins.... I am so sick of people pretending to listen or ask how I am. What is the actual purpose of this question? "How are you?" If you think about it - When we ask this to coworkers or people in passing - Do we genuinely give a shit? Is it just the go to word vomit we choose? Why do we even speak to people in passing? Why ask a question if we are not truly prepared for the response that we get. I know when I am asked, "How are you", even on the shittest of days, I still respond accordingly "I am well, How are you". This is a programmed response. As humans, we have become so programmed to society and its views, that we no longer are sincere - GENUINE! That's just in regards to those we show our best face to. Now, I want to take it down another layer. Have we become so clouded by the standards passed down to us from parents, ancestors, society, generations passed and present, that we lost the one thing that makes us human? I am talking about honesty, love, compassion, sympathy, empathy and common damn' sense. When it comes to friendships, relationships, our children and the ones we should be our most vulnerable to. When the divorce rate is at it's highest, the violence has grown and become a nation wide problem, the opinionated millennial's and the stubborn egotistical baby boomers spewing their beliefs all over social media, the racism is even more of a problem than before it wasn't, we fight against our own more than we solve any of the aforementioned issues. So and so lives matter. Do they though? I have seen violence within my own home growing up, as well as in my marriage of 14 years, even now the physical violence in my life is no longer but worse -- emotional and verbal violence. I know the politically correct term is "ABUSE" and not violence. When we are so bound and determined to always be right, we have become egotistical and a war within ourselves has begun. When the most important thing in your mind is to always be right, you have failed and your opinion is invalid. No one can be right, 100% of the time! It is impossible. Education alone is worth nothing unless you use it. Education comes at a cost, especially in America. Americans are the worst. We have failed ourselves and the American Dream. Millennials have gotten so caught up in going against the grain - that respect and common decency has become a thing of the past. When I refer to millennials I am not meaning every single person born between a certain time frame. There are people born in 1950 more stubborn and lost in their foundation and every age group in between. The difference is the root to why you say or do the things you do. Are you doing it from a place of love and authenticity or do you do or say the things you do from a place of anger and resentment???? That is the difference. I am so tired of people complaining about everything 24/7 and never being thankful for what they have. I am so sick of people playing the victim and never taking ownership for their wrong doings. It makes me want to scream when people act like they have never been at the bottom or that they cannot even show compassion to ones with less. We all got here the same damn' way and better believe we are ALL leaving the same damn' way! I wake up each morning to an alarm and for a split second it feels like everything was a dream. With the slide of my finger across a device that has consumed us. As part of the collective, I see and feel the energy of certain spirits, without them even speaking. Some of you are out there using a lot of your energy to have a pity party, play the victim, complaining how awful the world is, lying to yourselves and your family/friends! WAKE THE FUCK UP!! Where is it getting you? Have you made any progress? How does it feel that looking back 2 years, 5 years, 10 years or more? Knowing you are exactly where you were then? Spinning wheels getting nowhere. No one cares that you had a bad day everyday. No one cares that when you were a child that you didn't get to have a new cell phone. Go pick a battle worth fighting for. Go heal your inner child, go plant a tree, go run for President. Go be the SOLUTION and stop being the problem. Please, feel free to give me some feedback by leaving me a comment below. I would love to hear what you have to say. I am sure the more things I think of, after pondering on this, I will add to it. Until then - JerBear |
Pssstt...I just want to personally thank you for finding me and my insanity! This is where I feel at home - the sounding board of my thoughts echoes. When the body is tired & the mind won't SHUT THE FUCK UP! Archives
September 2021
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